Green Street (2005)

American student Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) heads to London after he is unfairly expelled from Harvard. Befriended by the charming but dangerous Pete Dunham, Matt enters the violent world of football hooliganism and the secrecy and intrigue of the football firm.

The following comments will be in the style of the film itself, which means there may well be offensive language, excessive use of the long dead and buried rhyming slang and very bad cockney accents.

No, no, no, no, no, fucking no! What a pile of crap, no really, it’s so bad I was nearly sick. The one and only problem with this film is that it’s made for an American audience and directed by a German. If it weren’t for that small detail it would probably be an ok film. Let me explain in a little more detail:

The opening scene to this flim should give you a small hint about what may follow. It starts off with a couple of firms mouthing off at each other on either side of a platform in a train station. Fair enough. They eventually get it on and start kicking two shades of shit out of each other. Once again, fair play. Then during the fight two of them smash into an old red telephone box which falls over…. Errrrm, right now I’m holding my head in my hands in disbelief, you couldn’t knock one of those things over with a truck, partly because you couldn’t find one in London except in a museum and also because the things were designed to withstand a direct hit from a 200,000lb bunker buster bomb! I can just see it now, they are planning the opening scene and someone says “Well how are the audience going to know they are in London? I know lets have one of those big red phone boxes, oh, oh, oh, and one of those big red post boxes, oh and darling we must have one of those quaint English bobby’s, you know the ones with those hats shaped like big breasts, how wonderful!”.

Then we get introduced to some of the Londonian characters… this induced fits of hysterical laughter and sobbing, I mean oh… my… god… I have lived on the outskirts of the great British shithole we call London for far too many years but I aint never seen an elephant fly, or anyone speak like they made the poor sods who got parts in this atrocity. Christ, its like stepping into and episode of friends where they meet someone from Grrrreat Britain, cor blimey guv, watcha doin down eeer, an weres ya trubl’n strife?

I think there may have been a story somewhere, but I was doubled up in pain because I was laughing so hard. No lets be fair, the story was ok so I’m going to make this film a two star instead of just one star, bollocks I am, one star is all it gets. I’m sure I have seen the same plot or at least one very similar in another film some years back though.

So to sum up: Don’t bother to watch this flim, if you want a film about football firms that’s worth watching go and get ID or The Football Factory out instead.

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